What if I stayed?

The night was so black that it didn’t feel like we were moving. There were no trees, no road signs; there was no life — just black after black after black after black. I was wearing a grey suit with a purple shirt and black tie. My hair was wet with sweat, from all the dancing. I planned on an abrupt, no-frills exit and so I figured the dancing would soften my harsh good-bye. It worked.

_________________________________

When I got the call from my dear friend Mohit for the invitation to his marriage, I was filled with mixed feelings. And then the voice from the other side broke the long silence, ‘You’re coming right? You’re the best man if you know that.’
‘What can I say; I am flattered and very excited to hear this buddy. I will try my best to be there.’ I replied.
‘No I-Will-Try-To-Be-There crap with me. You have to come. I have already sent the invitation card to your home address just so you cannot make excuses later on. C’mon, I won’t be getting married all the time plus you can use a break. It will be fun.’ Mohit said.

Mohit is my very good friend, so I didn’t need much convincing. I was newly unemployed at Delhi and newly heartbroken and I think these two conditions caused me to unlearn commitment and hence attending a marriage was not a small deal for me. I was brave-heart to myself. I had joined a short term project in Pune and was trying to push myself into work to my extremes. I do this every time I want to escape from facing a counter situation.

The opening to this journey wasn’t very memorable. I had booked direct plane tickets to Amritsar and was supposed to reach 2 nights before marriage i.e. the cocktail party evening. However, I lost my wallet on Pune airport and ended up in completing the journey in 14 hrs with 1 flight and 3 bus journeys, hence I missed the cocktail party and reached the next morning.

The house was embellished so nicely with flowers, lights, chandeliers and other decorative stuff. There were so many people running inside outside grabbing stuff and helping in the arrangements. There was a very loud yet pleasant chaos in the house. I met Mohit’s parents and then his brothers, then his cousin brothers, then his aunts, then some more aunts, then some more aunts and at last many (I literally mean ‘many’) kids. So far it was a typical Punjabi family function. Finally I got to my room and without waiting I threw my bags on the floor and jumped in the bed.

_________________________________

I came out after a nice long shower and there she was. Trisha. Standing there by the side window of my room holding a glass.

‘There you go, it’s a smoothie. It will help you cool off the heat and fatigue from travelling.’ she handed me the glass.
I was speechless. Dumb was the word.
‘Tr… Trisha. Wow. You are here. You came to the wedding, ha. I didn’t know that.’ I cleared my throat.
‘Well, Mohit is my friend too. He called me and I had no reason to say ‘No’ to him,’ she replied with a smile.

Trisha worked with me and Mohit at the previous company and we briefly dated for 4-5 months. Sure we hooked up but it was not a very great experience. We fought, argued and disagreed over lots of stuff. Almost everything except sex! She was like a full charged machine that just never stops. Always On! The worst part was that we never actually broke up. I just made a distance from her and eventually changed my job. It was cold-blooded. Although she wasn’t erased from my memory after all! There was always a nerve-racking heat between us.
I gulped that drink in one sip and handed her the glass.‘Take some rest,’ she said ‘I will see you around in the evening at the Shagun function.’

_________________________________

 

I was not sure if I was happy to see Trisha but also there was no reason to be upset. I am sure that she must have moved on and probably dating a better guy. She was always a live-life-to-fullest kind of girl unlike me who calculates too much. Anyways, I got dressed on time and reached at the party venue. I met Mohit there and he introduced me to his bride. She really was a very cute and pretty girl.

‘Congratulations, you both really look awesome together. Mohit is a very good friend of mine and I am sure he will prove a great husband,’ I congratulated them.

After that I grabbed a corner and took a drink in my hand. I was murmuring the best man’s speech to myself. I have done it 3 times already this year and yet I was so confused as how many new lines or words can I come up with? Should I just repeat one of the last speeches?

‘You look nervous,' I heard a voice. It was Trisha, standing behind me.
‘What? Me? Nervous! No… Why should I be nervous?’ I struggled with words.
‘I don’t know. I remember when you get nervous you stammer and clinch your fist. May be it’s about the speech or maybe it’s about me?’ she took my fist in her hands.

Okay now I was nervous and it was no longer about the speech but it was her. The way she looks at you, like luring at her prey and I am the lamb who’s gonna chop off.

‘You’re mistaken, my drink is chilled and nothing else.’ I replied slowly.
‘Alright, if you say so,’ she said ‘so what’s new in your life? It’s been almost a year and half since we talked.’
‘Uhm, Nothing special! I lost my job and currently working as a freelance in Pune which got over last week. I am back to Delhi now...’ I replied shamelessly and sarcastically ‘…you tell. You must be doing well.’
‘Well, job is good and mom-dad are abroad as usual,’ she took a sip to her drink.
‘You very well know what I meant to ask, don’t you?’ I smiled.
‘Then why not to ask it away and play games?’ she raised her eyebrows. We laughed.
‘There is still time for the speech, you wanna go up to the terrace and breathe some air. It’ll help you,’ she asked. I had a slight idea where it was going but I still nodded yes.
‘I and Tanuj broke up 6 months back. I kind of took a break from dating since then,’ she smiled at me with widening her eyes.
‘Ahhh, I recently had a heartbreak.’ I sipped my scotch.
‘Oh, I am sorry. That’s terrible,’ she said like she really felt bad.
‘Me too!’ I smiled back.
‘Guess we both suck at choosing people ha?’ she said. I laughed.

We kept talking for another 20minutes and I was feeling comfortable with her now.

‘So how’s the novel coming up?’ she took a sip.
‘Pretty okay actually. I got a publisher who is stupid enough to bet on me. So yeah, I am working on it and may be sending it for the 1st publishing at the end of this year,’ I replied.
‘Don’t discourage yourself. You are a very good writer. I’ve always said that. I read your blog posts all the time. I liked the one with the Metro walk very much,’ she patted on my shoulder.

I smiled at her. ‘Speaking of which, you really didn’t try to find that metro girl afterwards? That’s weird, why?’ she laughed.
‘It seemed perfect ending to me,’ I cleared myself.

We talked more. Asked each other about what’s new in our lives and how crazy we were 2-3 years back and all those things we used to do and places we used to hang out at.

‘I heard you decided to stay single and become a single father!’ she questioned.

I took a deep breath and replied, ‘Well, first of all no offense to marriages; it’s just that I am doubtful if I can be a good husband though I am confident that I can be a better parent,’ she kept gazing at me ‘but then I come from a Punjabi family, you know it ain’t that easy to convince my parents about it.’
‘Well, I don’t know about them but you as single parent, sounds hot to me,’ she raised her eyebrows. She does it every time she’s teasing someone or flirting.
‘Really, you find that hot? And then I was not good enough for you a year back?’ it just came out unexpectedly out of my mouth. She stopped smiling. My heart was pounding faster than a dog now. Shit! Shit! Shit! ‘You are an ass, Sanj.’ I was expecting these words any moment. I said, ‘I am sor…’
She inclined over my shoulder and kissed on my lips. It was tender and unexpected. Despite the scotch I was drinking, my throat parched.

 

‘May be I didn’t realize then that I was making a big mistake,’ she whispered.

I could feel the warmth of her breath over my lips. And then she again kissed me. This time I participated without even realizing. We kissed long. Really long. I could tell which cologne she was wearing. My hands were on her face covering it like rose petals and her hands were on my neck. There were thousands of light flashes in the sky from the fireworks downstairs. All the conversation and complaints seemed superfluous at that moment. It was splendid, tender, passionate, delicate and loving.

_________________________________

 

I took a breath after sometime. I was really scared. What just happened was not planned and it was not the perfect moment.
‘Ah… th..at was weird. I… mean it was great, it was really really great.’ She laughed. ‘It’s just that I have a speech to give and I think I should save some saliva inside me so that I don’t choke at the speech. Shall we go downstairs?’ I asked her with hand signal.
‘Um hmm,’ she nodded and smiled.
‘Good,' I said.
I rushed to downstairs and gulped 3 drinks one after another. I gave the speech which was pretty nice, skipped the dinner and reached my hotel room at around 01:00am. I kept thinking in my bed about what happened on the roof and thought of going to Trisha's room few times but then stopped myself. I should not be weak. I don’t have to do this. This is just a moment and if I fall weak now, I will end up in that same situation I got stuck 2 years back.

_________________________________

Next morning was the day of wedding. I woke up late as usual and enjoyed nice coffee at my balcony. Soon Mohit came and we went for some last minute shopping and arrangements. After sometime I sent Mohit home as he needed some rest before the final showdown and finished rest of the errands myself. I reached hotel at around 5PM. It was 4 hours before the function. I took a power nap and then got ready. I was wearing a suit although I really don’t like putting on formal clothes.
My phone rang. ‘Hello…’ I answered.

‘Bro, listen, Trisha is also in the same hotel in room 1012 and we are short of cars. Do one thing; just bring her along with you at the venue. I will see you there.’ Mohit said.

‘Mohit liste…’ long beep. Shit! Shit! Shit! I was not ready to face it again. I haven’t seen Trisha since morning and I was relaxed and now I had to pick her.

I reached to the room 1012 and stood outside for around 5 minutes. I finally decided that the best thing would be not to indulge into anything right now. So I decided to leave early morning right after the final ceremonies. I knocked at the door and there she was!

She was looking so beautiful in that red dress and all the jewelry that I skipped a beat. She was just sensuous.

‘Is is too much?’ she asked.

‘Ah…what, no it is right in all senses. Shall we go?’ I said slowly.
‘Sure, let me call the reception to bring my bag to the valet,’ she said while dialing the reception ‘do you wanna go for some sightseeing tomorrow?’
‘Actually I got an interview tomorrow afternoon so I will be leaving early morning right after the ceremony. It’s a nice offer. Don’t wanna miss it.’ I replied.
She looked at me with a surprised look which she tried to hide by changing the expressions by smiling at me but I could tell she was not completely happy to hear that.

_________________________________

‘Are you sure you don’t want to stay for tomorrow, it’d be fun if you’d stay?’ she asked me once she’d hung up the room service.
I shook my head no. I didn’t want to impose or show my vulnerability there to her. It’d been months since I’d done that. I had explained to myself that I would take the early morning Volvo bus to Delhi. I could have booked plane tickets but I needed those alone 11hrs in the bus to think over everything that has been going on with me lately.

‘OK. You can change your mind if you want.’

I thanked her and then we reached to the venue, where Mohit and his other groomsmen were dressing.
Mohit was zooming. His eyes were wide, his irises a thin blue ring.

‘Saaannnjjjj. Can you believe I’m getting married? I’m fucking getting married like, soon… now.’

I couldn’t believe it, I told him. I had never met his bride personally, I had only heard of her from him once or twice.

Mohit’s fingers shook as he tried to fasten cufflinks to his shirt sleeves. ‘Sanj, do you know how to do this?’

I laughed, taking the cufflinks from his hands. ‘I’ll try it.’
‘Thanks,’ he said, putting his hands on my shoulders and shaking them almost-gently ‘dude, I’m getting fucking married!’
‘Even I am a little surprised to see that the guy who used to sneak into anonymous wedding functions with me just to enjoy drinks and food is actually getting married.’ I giggled.

_________________________________

I was standing next to Mohit all night just before the final ceremony and marveled at the other guests, their excitement and buzzing. I felt a displaced kind of happy for the soon-to-be newlyweds, not the deep and hopeful happy everyone else felt, but a happy all the same. A tingle. The groomsmen I’d met in Mohit’s room earlier were running around the hall, all blues and boyish, my only sort-of friends. I had no one to sit with. The final rituals began and I observed it from my anonymous perch, whites and blues swirling together, unionizing. I sniveled a little for the people I didn’t know, because a wedding is a wedding and weddings are intimate, whether you belong there or not. I knew I didn’t belong — knew it soon as I saw the beaming mother of the bride, knew it once I saw the other guests and felt the wings of their fluttering expectations — and yet here we were. Here we all were.

_________________________________

I sat with the other groomsmen during the reception and we were good and drunk by that time. ‘What if I stayed?’ I thought, but then I remembered all the arguments I’d made in favor of going home that night, all the excuses I’d given Mohit and Trisha. I couldn’t retract then, even though I could’ve. I danced dances and drank drinks until it was time to call a cab.
‘It’s too bad you have to leave early,’ Mohit said.
We were on the dance floor.
‘Yeah…’ my voice said, trailing, ‘Maybe I should just go now.’

_________________________________

The sky was all negative space when I got into the taxi.
‘Tell Mohit bye and congratulations, I don’t want to intrude between the ceremonies,’ I told Trisha.
‘OK. Well, thanks for coming. Let’s meet sometime when you are in Delhi, I will keep reading your write-ups and look forward to your novel’ she smiled.
We both nodded at nothing. The cab pulled away with me in the back of it and we drove into the night, a yellow full moon following us down the road like we’d forgotten it.

There was no bus at the bus station. ‘They’re sending another bus,’ the conductor told us.

I was still thinking about the past 2 days. I sat on top of my backpack and put my hands on my face, waiting.
When the bus arrived, we boarded and a girl of my age sat across from me. She was wearing a hoodie and a beanie cap that was covering her hair which were trying to swirl out and her sleeves were up to her palms. She had green paint on her nails and she was definitely wearing some herbal perfume which was very attractive. She held an instrument by her side. I felt talkative now, the intimacy I had not belonged to earlier bleeding onto my face.

‘What’s in there?’ I asked.
She looked up from her fingernails. ‘This? It’s a violin.’

Her eyes were descriptive and green. And her lips were like a child. Very babylicious. She wasn’t wearing any make up or lip *whatever*.

 

'My dad plays guitar.’ I always say that. I don’t know why. In fact he is the only person who is not linked to music in our family. I play percussion and I sing. My mother sings very well and she plays Harmonium.
‘That’s cool,’ she said. It sounded like she meant it.
‘Yeah…’ I said ‘So… you’re coming from some concert this late or should I say early morning?’

‘Actually I play for my college group. I was visiting my folks here and now heading back to my college. My final year exams are about to start.’ She smiled.
‘Cool…’ I said. And then I went mum.

What was cool about exams after all? I needed another drink. I looked out of the window. It was black after black after black after black.
I thought of some maybes then, like maybe if I hadn’t been so stubborn I would be drinking and dancing still, or maybe the girl will reignite the conversation and we’ll have a meet cute or cute meet or however it’s called, or maybe the bus isn’t so bad, but maybe I’m just drunk, or maybe I could’ve sucked it up and spent the night, maybe it’s time to stop treating every person and every situation like I’m the one who has to leave first, just in case, just because.

The bus came to a full stop and opened its doors. The girl with the violin stood up and threw her violin case over her shoulder, waving good-bye with a cute smile. I watched her walk away, down the steps, into the night. The doors snapped closed behind him. We kept driving.

The Biggest Mistake is 'Not Doing the Mistake'!

We often complain about the things we did not do or places we never visited or that jeans you didn’t buy. The phrase ‘I wish…’ is employed so casually nowadays that it is losing its real meaning to me. Let’s look at some of the similar common sentences used by people I’ve met in last 1 week. 

‘I wish… I was a News reporter and not a corporate…’
‘I wish… I went to that place/trip/ride/country/holiday…’
‘I want to join the Gym but…’ (Here but is equivalent to I Wish)
‘I wish… I told her how much I love her…’
‘I wish… I asked him to not to marry that girl…’
‘I wish… I visited my father one more time before…’
‘I wish… I had controlled my anger or words that night…’  

I wish this… I wish that… on the contrary, what are you doing? Are you doing anything to get or be what you wish for? Or you just wish for those beautiful dreams and that life but every time the deciding moment comes and asks you to act, you just chicken out by making some stupid excuse or putting some other task or job on higher priority.

Gandhi said ‘Whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it's very important that you do it, because nobody else will.’ 

We are always afraid of doing the things which we crave for the most. The reason behind this is simple; they are very close to our heart. They are linked with our Past, Present or Future. They are the things those will decide or change the landscape of our lives. They ain’t easy. They are difficult. They are crucial and require hard-work, temperament and at times sacrifice. 

For instance, there are many great businessmen who started their career with the odds and everyone criticized them including even their own families but they perceived and took the courage to make their dreams real. Many artists, writers, travelers and thinkers quit their well-settled, blooming and successful jobs to pursue their ambitions. Few of them were super wealthy and they quit it all, gave up their riches to become a saint. That’s a big sacrifice. 

So to me, it’s not important what you have today. Important is – Is that what you want?

I am not saying that sitting in the same cubicle and working 10 hours a day, 5 days per week is a bad thing but surely it is not the most exciting thing too. To that specky girl from my office who says that she is content with this life, I’d like to say that, ‘You’re lying. There has to be something more than just that. Something that you have always wanted to do!’

Guys, shit happens to everyone. We are in our 2o’s or 30’s. We all have had heartbreaks, job layoffs, exam failure, credit card fuckups and other ‘big failures’ once or other time. The reason we are afraid to do what we want to do is because we are scared of getting hurt again. That ain’t right. It does not even sounds logical to me. 

Picture this, ‘When you are in your 60’s and sitting on the porch of your house, recollecting the earlier days and all that you have earned and all that you have… and then you ask yourself…
Is that all?
Could it have been better? More meaningful and satisfying!
Is the person sitting next to you today the right person or just compensation to your stupidity for not asking the right person out?

Are you willing to live that day with a heavy heart for the things you should have done in your early days and you didn’t do (doesn’t matter why)? 

We're not perfect. None of us. We make mistakes, we screw up but then we forgive and move forward. When we fail, we try again.

Don’t settle down with that wrong guy just because the right guy for you is currently fooling around with some stupid girl. Don’t give yourself this bullshit ‘If it’s meant to be, it will happen.’ Just wait while he is out gallivanting the streets with the wrong one. You wait for your turn. It may take some time, sometimes some years too. Fight for that person. Fight with that person. You deserve to fight for what you love and years later when you both would be together for a decade, one day he will kiss you saying ‘Thanks for saving me…’ He will realize how important it was when you fought for him. 

Waiting for someone right is way better than settling down with someone ‘not right’. And the moment you will finally be with that right one, you will realize what I am talking about. Walking hands in hand will make you forget the entire wait and all you want to see before you close your eyes every night is that person’s smile. It will make you believe in the impossible and inspire you to achieve the dreams unimaginable. 

It may take a few years and a handful of mistakes, but when that moment comes, right here with you, it’s extraordinary. It’s miraculous. A feeling of genuine happiness, comfort, and security.

Try to live everyday in a way that when you think of it tomorrow, you don't have to say to yourself, 'Gosh, I wish I had lived it better.' All we can do is do our best. To relish this remarkable life. In order to do that, sometimes you will have to do some mistakes and it is really okay. 

I can tell you a trick that you can follow and help yourselves to enjoy this life even more. Have some fun while… living.
Live the life every day twice. Once when it is living with you that includes all the tensions, worries and nervousness’s that has surrounded you entire day and the next one noticing, just realizing how it went actually; like a movie. What sweet and lovely things we missed on and what moments we didn't laugh but we should have. 

There is a song by Baz Luhrmann called ‘Everybody’s Free… (Sunscreen)'. He says worrying about the future is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble-gum; the real trouble in your life will always be the things that never crossed your worried mind.

My point is; it is alright to be young and careless sometimes. It is alright to be in love sometimes. Sometimes it is all we need.
No one can prepare you for what happens when you are in love. When you see that person somewhere or I should say everywhere and you know it's your destiny calling now. No one can prepare you for love and fear. No one can prepare you for the love people you love can feel for them. 

So just for once, come out of your comfort zone, that protective shield you have made around you and try to do what your heart really wants. Pack your bag and take a hike, go and visit your folks for next festival, take a day-off and watch the soccer match of your favorite team. Go and tell that ‘someone right’ how much you love them. How important they are to you and why you belong together.

Don’t be scared of being revoked or rejected. Utmost it could be a mistake but to know if it is a mistake or not, you got to do the mistake. Only then you can look at the past and say ‘Yup, that was a mistake.’ But if you won’t even try, you would never know if it was a mistake or not and thus, the bigger mistake is not to do that mistake. Don’t live a mistake-free life.

Mistakes are the moments just before awesome changes happen in your life.

Until tomorrow,
Sanj