A Second Chance at Serendipity

Life has a twisted sense of humor.

One minute, you’re lost in thought, sipping your coffee, absentmindedly scratching your dog behind his ears, and the next—you’re staring at a ghost from your past.

Except she wasn’t a ghost. She was very real. Right there, in my hometown, sitting a few feet away from me in the golden evening glow of a café I’ve been to a hundred times before.

And damn, she was even more beautiful than I remembered.

She was sitting by the window, effortlessly radiant. Her hair was longer, a richer shade of brown that the dim light turned into liquid caramel. She wore an oversized beige sweater that draped off one shoulder just enough to tease a glimpse of her collarbone, paired with fitted jeans that hugged her in all the right ways. And her lips—God, her lips—had that same quiet, natural pink I remembered, like she had just been kissed by a dream.

But her eyes… they still held that same depth. The kind that makes you forget what you were saying mid-sentence. The kind that pulls you under.

She was sitting right there, lost in thought, her fingers lightly tracing the rim of her coffee mug, and for a second, I was 22 again, standing in a crowded café, watching her turn the pages of a book she’d never finish.

She looked… timeless. Like something the universe had carved with careful hands.

Effortlessly beautiful. Effortlessly her.

The air shifted. 

For a second, I forgot to breathe.

Astro let out a small huff beside me, probably wondering why his human had suddenly frozen. I ran a hand through my hair, exhaling slowly. Of course she wouldn’t recognize me. It had been eleven years, and I looked different—my hair shorter, the slight scruff adding a maturity that wasn’t there before.

But me? I recognized her like a half-remembered song.

I smirked, remembering how, years ago, she had told me, “I’m terrible with faces. Unless you do something completely ridiculous, I probably won’t remember you.”

I glanced down at Astro, who was busy gnawing on a biscuit, blissfully unaware of the life-altering moment happening above him. “Buddy,” I muttered, “looks like we need a grand entrance.”

Astro wagged his tail, utterly unbothered.

I did the next best thing. I walked over to the counter and ordered a brownie topped with a scoop of chocolate ice cream—the exact dessert we had shared the last time we met. I picked it up and, in a very conveniently-timed “accident,” slid the plate right onto her table and—with perfect aim—set it down in front of her.

“Déjà vu?” I smirked.

She blinked. Then blinked again.

And for a moment, I thought she had no idea what I was talking about.

But then—oh, then—I saw it.

The flicker of recognition.

Her lips parted slightly, her eyes scanning my face like she was trying to place me in a memory she wasn’t sure was real.

I leaned in slightly, lowering my voice. “Tell me you remember.”

Her brows furrowed. And then, in a breathless whisper—

“No. Freaking. Way.”

I laughed. “Way.”

Her expression shifted from confusion to shock to something that looked an awful lot like disbelief and—God help me—delight.

“This is insane.” She shook her head, eyes wide. “What the hell are you doing here?”

“My hometown,” I said, still watching her like I was afraid she’d disappear if I looked away. “Visiting my folks for a few days. And you? What brings you here?”

She tucked her hair behind her ear—a nervous habit I remembered all too well. “I actually moved here a while back. I’m working as a psychologist at PGI Hospital now.”

Of course. That made perfect sense. She always had a way of reading people, understanding them in ways they couldn’t even understand themselves.

For next few moments we just looked at each other and smiled in this total chaotic yet intensely beautiful moment. 

That silence? It was everything.

She exhaled, shaking her head with a dazed laugh. “Wow. Just—wow.”

Then she tilted her head, studying me. “Okay, don’t take this the wrong way, but you look so different. I almost didn’t—”

I smirked. “You almost didn’t recognize the man who shared a dessert with you eleven years ago and then disappeared into the abyss of ‘what ifs’?”

She laughed, shaking her head. “Exactly.” 

And then, as if remembering something, she leaned forward. “Wait—your book. Did you ever finish it?”

I exhaled a small, ironic laugh. “No.”

Her smile softened. “Why not?”

I looked at her, really looked at her, then gave her the truth.

“I guess... may be because I lost my muse.”

I saw it—the exact moment she understood.

Her breath caught slightly. Her lips parted, then pressed together, like she was holding back words she wasn’t sure she should say. And then—almost shyly—she bit her lip.

I grinned. “Still a lip-biter, huh?”

She laughed, covering her mouth. “Shut up.”

We talked for what felt like hours. About everything and nothing. About life, about work, about the messiness of growing older and how time has this way of slipping through our fingers when we’re too busy chasing things we think we need.

She told me about her struggles—the late nights in medical school, the exhaustion of listening to other people’s pain while carrying her own.

I told her about mine—the long work hours, my successes, my failures, the relationships that never quite filled the space they were supposed to.

At some point, Astro decided he wanted to be part of the conversation and nudged his head into her lap.

She gasped, laughing as she ran her fingers through his fur. “Oh my God, you’re adorable.”

I crossed my arms. “Yeah, he gets that a lot.”

She looked up at me, eyes shining. “I always wanted a dog.”

“You still can,” I said. “Or, you know… borrow this one.”

She laughed. “Tempting.”

She smiled, but there was something else in it. Something soft and aching.

Then, after a long pause, she looked down at the brownie we had barely touched.

"You know," she murmured, her voice barely a whisper, almost like she was speaking to herself, "I regretted not exchanging numbers back then."

Her words hit me harder than I expected, a tightness forming in my chest. "Yeah?" I asked, my voice thick with something unspoken.

She nodded slowly, her gaze flickering down for a moment, as if the memories were unraveling in front of her. "I don't know why. Maybe I was just shy. Maybe I thought—" She paused, her breath catching, and then let out a soft, almost wistful sigh. "I don't know. But I felt bad about it for a long time."

I felt the weight of her words settle in me, a quiet ache I hadn’t even realized was there. "Me too," I said, my voice raw, unsure. "Maybe I was just scared that you’d think I had some agenda or that I was trying to force myself into your life or something."

She shook her head, a soft smile curling at the corners of her lips. "I didn’t feel anything like that. But I get your point."

My chest tightened even more. "Right after we parted ways, it didn’t sit right with me. I actually went back to that coffee shop at the train station twice that week, hoping to run into you, but guess I wasn’t that lucky."

I said it with a half-smile, but as I looked at her, something shifted. Her eyes locked with mine, not with the casual glance we’d shared before, but with something deeper. Something more searching. Her gaze softened, yet it was heavy with meaning, and for a brief moment, I felt the world around us slip away.

She didn’t say anything. She didn’t have to. The silence between us spoke volumes, and in that moment, I knew she felt it too—this strange, unexplainable pull between us.

We were both standing on the edge of something—something neither of us could put into words, but both of us understood.

We sat with that for a moment. Just sat with it. The weight of eleven years pressing between us.

Finally, she glanced at her watch and sighed. “I have to go.”

I hated that.

But this time, I wasn’t letting her disappear.

“Before you do,” I said, pulling out my phone, “let’s not be idiots again.”

She grinned, taking hers out as well. “Agreed.”

I saved her contact as Ursula — the name of my book’s female lead, the one who had haunted my thoughts, my pages, and now, in an unexpected twist, my reality.

She glanced at my screen, her eyes flickering with curiosity, then a smirk tugged at her lips. “Seriously?”

I shrugged, feeling the pulse of something new between us, something electric. “Seemed fitting.”

Her gaze lingered on me for a moment, something playful dancing in her eyes, before she raised an eyebrow. “Well then, it’s only fair I save yours as…”

I grinned, a little too confidently. “It was Klaus.”

She froze for a second, then her expression softened, and she apologized in the sweetest, most genuine way—like a child caught in a moment of innocence, her eyes wide and full of mischief. “I am so sorryyyy.”

I smiled, leaning in a little closer. “Don’t be sorry. It was 11 years ago, and it’s my story.”

A soft blush crept onto her cheeks, and the warmth in her smile made my heart race in a way I hadn’t expected. “I always knew Klaus was a gentleman.”

Her words, playful yet sincere, hung in the air, weaving between us, and for a brief, perfect moment, I thought maybe she saw something in me that I hadn’t fully seen in myself.

After we exchanged our contact details, the space between us seemed to hold its breath, like the quiet before a storm. There was this unspoken understanding, a pull between us that neither of us could ignore. We decided to speak on the phone, to solidify a plan to meet properly, to turn this serendipitous connection into something real.

She told me she was free the following weekend, and before I could second-guess myself, I blurted out, "Great. It’s a date."

The words hung in the air for a split second, the weight of them heavier than I’d anticipated. For once I thought, I'd rather put a shoe in my mouth.

"Too soon?" I said. 

She paused, her eyes softening, a gentle blush spreading across her cheeks. She looked at me then, her gaze not just meeting mine, but lingering, like she was searching for something she hadn’t quite found yet. And then, almost shyly, she let out a quiet laugh, the kind that makes your heart skip a beat.

"I guess it’s about time," she murmured, her voice like a caress, laced with something I couldn't quite name but felt deep in my chest.

There was something in the way she said it—something in the way her words brushed against my skin—that made me feel like we were standing on the edge of something beautiful. Something electric. Something that had always been there, waiting to happen.

As we stepped outside, the moon had taken over the sky, casting a soft glow over everything. I walked her to her car, Astro trotting beside us.

She turned to me, her expression unreadable.

Then, quietly, she stepped closer.

“I still remember,” she murmured.

I frowned. “Remember what?”

She smiled. “It’s your birthday month.”

Before I could say anything, she leaned in and—soft as a whisper—kissed my cheek.

My breath caught.

She pulled away slowly, her eyes searching mine. And then, barely above a whisper—

“Happy birthday.”

I swallowed. Hard.

“Thanks,” I said, my voice rougher than I intended.

She hesitated, like she wanted to say more.

Instead, she smiled, stepping back.

“Let’s not wait another eleven years this time,” she said softly.

I nodded, my heart hammering. “I’d like that very much.”

She gave me one last look—one long look—before slipping into her car.

As her taillights disappeared into the night, I stood there for a moment, letting the weight of it all sink in.

Then, I glanced at Astro.

“Well, buddy,” I muttered, shaking my head. “It all started when you weren’t even born.”

He wagged his tail.

And as we walked back into the café, I couldn’t help but smile.

Maybe life does give second chances.

Or maybe, just maybe—

Serendipity had a plan all along.

The second kind of Love. Say goodnight, but not goodbye.

Because goodbye is an ending; but goodnight is a promise that we are to be continued…

I am known as an eccentric, adventurous, obnoxious and hopeless romantic guy. I am atheist but I always keep hope. Hope (ahhhh)! I believe in doing good to people and not expect them to acknowledge it because that’s not my parameter to do something meaningful or good. I am known to live in a binary format. 1 or 0. Either / OR. That makes things easier. Make decisions easier. Brutal yet easier. All you need to have is courage to carry on with the decision that you have made no matter how painful and heartbreaking it may be. So when my friends and people come to me to talk about something that has been bothering them (especially psychologically/romantically/emotionally), my advice to them sometimes may sound that I do not care or understand for they don’t know is if the decision was easy and gives a happy ending, they wouldn’t need me in the first place. I rather be that jerk who gave them the advice (which in first place they know how it has to be but are too afraid to say to themselves) than being a sweet guy and just nod along.

Relationships are always different. All and each of them.

Romantic, friendship, professional, formal or informal. All relationships are different from one another and individual case. Of all of these, I like the most tormented ones. Two idiots in love. Wow! It has (usually) everything; fun, jokes, laughter, pain, hurt, healing, remorse, repent, sacrifice, (mis)understanding, care, and it goes on and on…

I have been in love more than once and hence I can tell Love can have many different colors and not everybody in love experiences the same emotions. Love is a powerful emotion. It can make and break people. For some, it can be the most blissful experience and for some it can be the most unpleasant thing in their lives.

It’s pretty difficult to understand how a single emotion can reveal itself in so many different ways. But it is also a fact that love is the only thing that is closest to perfection. Love can be strange and ordinary, heady and calm, good and bad. It can be the most beautiful thing to behold and has the power to bring two people together. Yet it is this very emotion that can become dark and ugly.

I define love as the only flawless thing with the maximum number of flaws that humans can experience in the materialistic world. Contradictory ha! 

Welcome to Love 101!

Generally people have a very filmy and happy understanding of love. They associate love with happiness, fulfillment, and everything beautiful. True love for most people is a soothing experience that brings life to their dull and drab life.

I am not here to talk about it today. Naah! Enough songs, stories, and poems have been written about that kind of love so if you want to know about it, you don’t need me. Go to a library and pick anything by Susan Sontag, Robert Frost, Mark Twain, or Bob Dylan.

I am here to talk about the second version of love. The version of love that does not bring happiness to those involved. It brings darkness and grief. This love is between two people who can never be together (yet). They can never have each other for life (yet).

Sometimes walking away means walking to the one!

It is not the beginning of a beautiful story, but the end of what could have been. This love should either remain alive in the hearts unfulfilled or eventually dies. Some people never get united, never are together. They are meant to part ways.

The Story (taken from a chapter from my book – Chapter 27: He never says Goodbye!)

As they are sitting on the swings at the park facing opposite sides. No one has spoken for an hour now. He wipes his sweaty nervous palms on his pants as she looks at him hoping that he’d say something. They both know that the first person to speak would be the one who has to take the maximum blame for which even if they are at different places about how they feel for each other, they surely care a lot about each other.

Nathan has an idea where this is going so he gives it another try. Like he always does.

“Do you know I was pretty much content with the life I was having until 6 months back.” Nathan smiled “And then my soul saw you and it kind of went "Oh there you are. I've been looking for you.”

Bella smiles. “You told me that before… multiple times.” They both chuckles.

“I know you may hate me after this. I know we both care for each other… but that’s not enough.” Bella looks at him while he looks at the park fountain in front of him.

“I agree… we both deserve more.” Nathan says in a soft voice.

“Look, I can’t do this. No matter how many times I try and how cautious I become, this is going to hurt.” Bella says in a heavy voice.

“Just say it. You know this is a safe space.” Nathan smiles.

This conversation goes for another hour that includes reasoning, persuasion, arguments, logical arguments… (Can’t disclose much due to legal reason but you know where it’s headed.)

“Don’t you have anything to say?” Bella looks into his eyes. 

“Can I say anything to change your mind?” Nathan tries to fake a smile.

“Nate, please. Don’t make this harder than it is.” Bella assures him holding his hand. 

“Yeah, I thought so.” Nathan’s voice is very heavy right now.

As she leaves his hand and walks two steps away from him, it felt that someone just pulled entire body organs out of his body with bare hands. He stood there still… like a carved stone of pain.

“Goodbye, Nate.” Bella looked back. He kept standing there. Mute with a little smile and watery eyes.

She says again, “Nathan, won’t you say goodbye.” Nathan is still standing like a he’s hit with a lightening.

She walks away and soon fades away in the busy crowd of Octavia city.

Nathan Never said Goodbye

Of all the six months, Nathan never said goodbye. Not once. For Nathan, goodbye always meant something very different than to everyday us.

He never said goodbye because he always hoped that he is going to see Bella again; also hoping if she plans on seeing him too.

Not saying goodbye was his way to tell Bella, “Don’t let this be our final scene. Don’t make this our what-if ending, because this was merely supposed to be our beginning. I just know it. I can see much more ahead for the both of us; and all of the old romantics of this world and I are screaming out in unison for Part Two. The kind of sequel that not many have huge hopes for, apart from its creators, and the most loyal of fans. Because they are the ones who believe. They believe that something already amazing can still find room to grow and be better.”

It’s been two months and Nathan still hopes that one of these days, there will be no more doubt. No more what ifs, no more second thoughts, no more faith and trust appraisals, no more insecurities and no more uncertainties.

There will be them.

Discussion

Those involved know very well that Nathan and Bella cannot make it happen because there are plenty of other factors that affect them. They would rather not be together than destroy everything else around them.

Love is contradictory and hence, love is not enough because life and its circumstances don’t let you live only on emotions. You are required to be rational while love tends to drive you in the opposite direction. While love is called irrational, it is also believed to be the strength behind successful relationships. It may seem to drive things in the right direction for a while, but rationality demands more. One cannot help but be practical as sooner or later, irrational illusions vanish.

Bella understood this as she’s more practical while Nathan still have his arguments to settle.

Reality of life demands us to weigh the pros and cons of anything that we come across in life. Even though you may want to drift with the flow of love, you can’t do it or you have to pay heavily for being impractical.

You have too many words in your head. There are too many ways to describe the way you feel. You will never have the luxury of a dull ache. You must suffer through the intricacy of feeling too much. You just don't have that right person to listen to what you have to say.

She taught him that, “You can be in love and you can be in a relationship. But they’re not always the same thing.”

The Second Kind of Love - Writer’s Take

As I said earlier, two people even deeply in love are sometimes cut off due to circumstances. Despite being soul mates they are forced to be apart and that is the irony of this kind of love. The worst part of this type of love is the inability to get over the feeling despite knowing there is no possibility of ever being together.

One may not be able to get along with their partner if the partner inflicts pain and is the cause of their distress. Despite all the pain and gloom the couple may be deeply attached, yet they will not and cannot stay together.

What I think is the ability to forgive and forget will play the deciding role here. But that comes with a cost. There will definitely be a negative impact on both involved. In reality, the intensity of emotions may persuade people to make wrong choices.

A setback in love hurts the most. It cuts deep and the pain received can never be forgotten. The person you hurt and destroy emotionally will never come out of it. And if you still love them you know you having them back is something that needs deep contemplation for the possibility you will hurt each other again.

But, still as I said, the best thing I love about LOVE is that it’s so tormenting and yet amusing. So they may love each other fully, even though their own personalities prevent them from getting along. Some people love each other till their last breath, even when they live to stay apart.

And this is what the dark side of LOVE really looks like.

It Takes a Fall, To Stand Up!

I had no plan or notion to write this blog post until 2 hours ago. I was super engrossed in my work when a phone call agitated my concentration.

Now, it makes no sense to discuss about who called and what they said which made me put my work aside and start banging my fingers on the keyboard.

What I can tell you is that the phone call was from someone I care about who just had a heartbreak. A terrible one. Now, I am no one to judge whose fault  instigated this heartbreak, but I do know that it hurts terribly. Our trust is shaken to the core and all our future plans tend to look faded or blurred!

Sure it hurts. It also heals with time.

Writing  helps me keep my calm and my thoughts in one direction. Also, I am not naïve in this area of life too.

So I thought, maybe I can write or tell my friends and close-ones what I did when I was in the cross hairs of love, anger, failure, betrayal, and insanity. If this blog post can help even a fraction to one person, I’d take that as a win. 

Now, like they say, the most difficult part is the beginning. What to do? Where to start? Whom to talk? What to talk? What went wrong? Was it my fault? Should I call back? And so on… so first, decide. Be sure if it is over or you want to fight back and win it over again?

If you want to fight back, ask yourself if it is worth fighting for? Is it worth putting everything you have left after that terrible heartbreak. Can you risk another gunshot in your heart from the same person almost knowing that it’s gonna happen sooner or later?

 If you know it is over; then the time is to heal yourself. Remember, there is no one who can help you, but only you. Acceptance, patience, tough attitude and ability to face the bitter truth are few of those attributes that you will be learning in this whole phase. You cannot hang yourself in this pain and remorse forever and before someone else tells you to get over it, you do it because you are better than all of this. You are better off that person who broke your heart by any means.

Matters of Heart... Very Complicated!

You prove yourself that you are more than what people estimate of you. You take chances… again!

I understand that at this moment, you don't want to risk the pain again and you don't want to have to go through the same recovery process that may take months for your wounds to heal.

I have been through the same phase once in my life too. Despite me telling my body to relax and to have faith that this time I would be fine, my inner senses thought differently. My sub-conscious mind was not prepared to let go of the memories of the trauma, injuries and recovery. And so, I became nervous, cumbersome and rigid — and I was far more likely to fall and injure myself again.

That moment when all you need is some silence and listen to your mind,

I had been left shattered and broken and I was the only one who could pick myself back up, despite the offer of hands around me. I knew I had to find my inner strength.

In trying to protect myself, I was causing more harm. My self-preservation was preventing me from moving forward. I wasn’t even still — I had taken steps back and had no idea how to begin to recover.

I stopped speaking to my friends and stopped taking phone calls from my home. I kept myself at work for long hours… someday, longer than 18 hours in a stretch until my boss came and ordered me to go home.

My two new best-friends were my pillow and my jammies.

I had questions, but no answers.

If I’m honest, giving up was not an option. Why would I deny myself of something that gave me immense happiness once? Sure the girl I was with got away, but it was not her who gave me so much joy and happiness; it was love. That amazing, splendid, and magical feeling which made me feel alive for every single moment I was in it!

So, I had no option. I had to learn to move forward. I had to listen to my fears, be patient, pay attention and soothe each of their worries.

The biggest lesson of all in learning to have faith again was to understand that time and again, the trust I placed in it could very easily be shattered. With one wrong move, all of the time and effort I have spent creating a safe space could be torn to shreds. I could be thrown back into the abyss at any time.

But, the next time would be different!

I had a rope to hold on to.

One of the wonderful lessons I learned from that trauma is that despite the suffering it yields, it can also serve us with tools for future survival. 

With this incident, this big, huge and painful heartbreak, I learned some of the most valuable lessons of my life.

I learned that pain is a possible outcome of a relationship, but with awareness, I will not be paralyzed with shock if something goes wrong.

I learned that to move on, I must take things slow the next time I think I have the slightest chance to find that happiness and trust in someone else.

I learned that if I won't try, I will have nothing achieved.

I learned from my falls and the fact that no one can predict future but we can only control our actions.

I learned that if I get hurt again, healing is possible, it is just a process, one that is part of being alive and I am very capable of recovering again. This is life and sh*t happens. At any moment I can choose to get back up and bounce back stronger than before. 

The last thing yet the most important thing that I learned was to start trusting... again. May be not immediately, but eventually, welcome that heart, if there is any, who reaches out to you, who is willing to sit next to you without being bothered by the whole wreck you have created around you. Sometimes, that's all you need.

My defenses offered me a false sense of security. They told me they were protecting me, when really, they were just preventing me. They were keeping me from the things I loved most.

I realized that I will always have a certain amount of fear of the unknown, but instead of letting it cage me, I should allow it to challenge me.

With time and self contemplation, I overcame it, I grew stronger and I restricted it to stir up past painful memories each time something new comes my way.

I welcomed opportunities. I welcomed love… again.

I am no expert on relationships, marriages or commitment. In fact, I have been scared to death of these words and probably still am in some place. But I do know it hurts and it takes time, but I have come out of it… eventually. 

Of course I knew from the beginning that I wasn't going to be over it in one day. It took about a year or more… a year I would've otherwise spend sad and howling. But I didn't. I defended my happiness. A lot of good things happened that year. A lot of better things have happened since. 

So, if you’re currently trying to get over heartbreak, know that it might not take a day, or even a week. But the pursuit of trying to get over it quickly certainly helped me get a closure faster. There’s no shame in getting dumped. If you gave everything a relationship asks for, be proud that at least you tried. 

Remember, something as beautiful as love always a risk worth taking. In our life, we make choices and then we live by them. It’s simple.

So, what choice are you making today?

Until tomorrow,
SaNj

What if I stayed?

The night was so black that it didn’t feel like we were moving. There were no trees, no road signs; there was no life — just black after black after black after black. I was wearing a grey suit with a purple shirt and black tie. My hair was wet with sweat, from all the dancing. I planned on an abrupt, no-frills exit and so I figured the dancing would soften my harsh good-bye. It worked.

_________________________________

When I got the call from my dear friend Mohit for the invitation to his marriage, I was filled with mixed feelings. And then the voice from the other side broke the long silence, ‘You’re coming right? You’re the best man if you know that.’
‘What can I say; I am flattered and very excited to hear this buddy. I will try my best to be there.’ I replied.
‘No I-Will-Try-To-Be-There crap with me. You have to come. I have already sent the invitation card to your home address just so you cannot make excuses later on. C’mon, I won’t be getting married all the time plus you can use a break. It will be fun.’ Mohit said.

Mohit is my very good friend, so I didn’t need much convincing. I was newly unemployed at Delhi and newly heartbroken and I think these two conditions caused me to unlearn commitment and hence attending a marriage was not a small deal for me. I was brave-heart to myself. I had joined a short term project in Pune and was trying to push myself into work to my extremes. I do this every time I want to escape from facing a counter situation.

The opening to this journey wasn’t very memorable. I had booked direct plane tickets to Amritsar and was supposed to reach 2 nights before marriage i.e. the cocktail party evening. However, I lost my wallet on Pune airport and ended up in completing the journey in 14 hrs with 1 flight and 3 bus journeys, hence I missed the cocktail party and reached the next morning.

The house was embellished so nicely with flowers, lights, chandeliers and other decorative stuff. There were so many people running inside outside grabbing stuff and helping in the arrangements. There was a very loud yet pleasant chaos in the house. I met Mohit’s parents and then his brothers, then his cousin brothers, then his aunts, then some more aunts, then some more aunts and at last many (I literally mean ‘many’) kids. So far it was a typical Punjabi family function. Finally I got to my room and without waiting I threw my bags on the floor and jumped in the bed.

_________________________________

I came out after a nice long shower and there she was. Trisha. Standing there by the side window of my room holding a glass.

‘There you go, it’s a smoothie. It will help you cool off the heat and fatigue from travelling.’ she handed me the glass.
I was speechless. Dumb was the word.
‘Tr… Trisha. Wow. You are here. You came to the wedding, ha. I didn’t know that.’ I cleared my throat.
‘Well, Mohit is my friend too. He called me and I had no reason to say ‘No’ to him,’ she replied with a smile.

Trisha worked with me and Mohit at the previous company and we briefly dated for 4-5 months. Sure we hooked up but it was not a very great experience. We fought, argued and disagreed over lots of stuff. Almost everything except sex! She was like a full charged machine that just never stops. Always On! The worst part was that we never actually broke up. I just made a distance from her and eventually changed my job. It was cold-blooded. Although she wasn’t erased from my memory after all! There was always a nerve-racking heat between us.
I gulped that drink in one sip and handed her the glass.‘Take some rest,’ she said ‘I will see you around in the evening at the Shagun function.’

_________________________________

 

I was not sure if I was happy to see Trisha but also there was no reason to be upset. I am sure that she must have moved on and probably dating a better guy. She was always a live-life-to-fullest kind of girl unlike me who calculates too much. Anyways, I got dressed on time and reached at the party venue. I met Mohit there and he introduced me to his bride. She really was a very cute and pretty girl.

‘Congratulations, you both really look awesome together. Mohit is a very good friend of mine and I am sure he will prove a great husband,’ I congratulated them.

After that I grabbed a corner and took a drink in my hand. I was murmuring the best man’s speech to myself. I have done it 3 times already this year and yet I was so confused as how many new lines or words can I come up with? Should I just repeat one of the last speeches?

‘You look nervous,' I heard a voice. It was Trisha, standing behind me.
‘What? Me? Nervous! No… Why should I be nervous?’ I struggled with words.
‘I don’t know. I remember when you get nervous you stammer and clinch your fist. May be it’s about the speech or maybe it’s about me?’ she took my fist in her hands.

Okay now I was nervous and it was no longer about the speech but it was her. The way she looks at you, like luring at her prey and I am the lamb who’s gonna chop off.

‘You’re mistaken, my drink is chilled and nothing else.’ I replied slowly.
‘Alright, if you say so,’ she said ‘so what’s new in your life? It’s been almost a year and half since we talked.’
‘Uhm, Nothing special! I lost my job and currently working as a freelance in Pune which got over last week. I am back to Delhi now...’ I replied shamelessly and sarcastically ‘…you tell. You must be doing well.’
‘Well, job is good and mom-dad are abroad as usual,’ she took a sip to her drink.
‘You very well know what I meant to ask, don’t you?’ I smiled.
‘Then why not to ask it away and play games?’ she raised her eyebrows. We laughed.
‘There is still time for the speech, you wanna go up to the terrace and breathe some air. It’ll help you,’ she asked. I had a slight idea where it was going but I still nodded yes.
‘I and Tanuj broke up 6 months back. I kind of took a break from dating since then,’ she smiled at me with widening her eyes.
‘Ahhh, I recently had a heartbreak.’ I sipped my scotch.
‘Oh, I am sorry. That’s terrible,’ she said like she really felt bad.
‘Me too!’ I smiled back.
‘Guess we both suck at choosing people ha?’ she said. I laughed.

We kept talking for another 20minutes and I was feeling comfortable with her now.

‘So how’s the novel coming up?’ she took a sip.
‘Pretty okay actually. I got a publisher who is stupid enough to bet on me. So yeah, I am working on it and may be sending it for the 1st publishing at the end of this year,’ I replied.
‘Don’t discourage yourself. You are a very good writer. I’ve always said that. I read your blog posts all the time. I liked the one with the Metro walk very much,’ she patted on my shoulder.

I smiled at her. ‘Speaking of which, you really didn’t try to find that metro girl afterwards? That’s weird, why?’ she laughed.
‘It seemed perfect ending to me,’ I cleared myself.

We talked more. Asked each other about what’s new in our lives and how crazy we were 2-3 years back and all those things we used to do and places we used to hang out at.

‘I heard you decided to stay single and become a single father!’ she questioned.

I took a deep breath and replied, ‘Well, first of all no offense to marriages; it’s just that I am doubtful if I can be a good husband though I am confident that I can be a better parent,’ she kept gazing at me ‘but then I come from a Punjabi family, you know it ain’t that easy to convince my parents about it.’
‘Well, I don’t know about them but you as single parent, sounds hot to me,’ she raised her eyebrows. She does it every time she’s teasing someone or flirting.
‘Really, you find that hot? And then I was not good enough for you a year back?’ it just came out unexpectedly out of my mouth. She stopped smiling. My heart was pounding faster than a dog now. Shit! Shit! Shit! ‘You are an ass, Sanj.’ I was expecting these words any moment. I said, ‘I am sor…’
She inclined over my shoulder and kissed on my lips. It was tender and unexpected. Despite the scotch I was drinking, my throat parched.

 

‘May be I didn’t realize then that I was making a big mistake,’ she whispered.

I could feel the warmth of her breath over my lips. And then she again kissed me. This time I participated without even realizing. We kissed long. Really long. I could tell which cologne she was wearing. My hands were on her face covering it like rose petals and her hands were on my neck. There were thousands of light flashes in the sky from the fireworks downstairs. All the conversation and complaints seemed superfluous at that moment. It was splendid, tender, passionate, delicate and loving.

_________________________________

 

I took a breath after sometime. I was really scared. What just happened was not planned and it was not the perfect moment.
‘Ah… th..at was weird. I… mean it was great, it was really really great.’ She laughed. ‘It’s just that I have a speech to give and I think I should save some saliva inside me so that I don’t choke at the speech. Shall we go downstairs?’ I asked her with hand signal.
‘Um hmm,’ she nodded and smiled.
‘Good,' I said.
I rushed to downstairs and gulped 3 drinks one after another. I gave the speech which was pretty nice, skipped the dinner and reached my hotel room at around 01:00am. I kept thinking in my bed about what happened on the roof and thought of going to Trisha's room few times but then stopped myself. I should not be weak. I don’t have to do this. This is just a moment and if I fall weak now, I will end up in that same situation I got stuck 2 years back.

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Next morning was the day of wedding. I woke up late as usual and enjoyed nice coffee at my balcony. Soon Mohit came and we went for some last minute shopping and arrangements. After sometime I sent Mohit home as he needed some rest before the final showdown and finished rest of the errands myself. I reached hotel at around 5PM. It was 4 hours before the function. I took a power nap and then got ready. I was wearing a suit although I really don’t like putting on formal clothes.
My phone rang. ‘Hello…’ I answered.

‘Bro, listen, Trisha is also in the same hotel in room 1012 and we are short of cars. Do one thing; just bring her along with you at the venue. I will see you there.’ Mohit said.

‘Mohit liste…’ long beep. Shit! Shit! Shit! I was not ready to face it again. I haven’t seen Trisha since morning and I was relaxed and now I had to pick her.

I reached to the room 1012 and stood outside for around 5 minutes. I finally decided that the best thing would be not to indulge into anything right now. So I decided to leave early morning right after the final ceremonies. I knocked at the door and there she was!

She was looking so beautiful in that red dress and all the jewelry that I skipped a beat. She was just sensuous.

‘Is is too much?’ she asked.

‘Ah…what, no it is right in all senses. Shall we go?’ I said slowly.
‘Sure, let me call the reception to bring my bag to the valet,’ she said while dialing the reception ‘do you wanna go for some sightseeing tomorrow?’
‘Actually I got an interview tomorrow afternoon so I will be leaving early morning right after the ceremony. It’s a nice offer. Don’t wanna miss it.’ I replied.
She looked at me with a surprised look which she tried to hide by changing the expressions by smiling at me but I could tell she was not completely happy to hear that.

_________________________________

‘Are you sure you don’t want to stay for tomorrow, it’d be fun if you’d stay?’ she asked me once she’d hung up the room service.
I shook my head no. I didn’t want to impose or show my vulnerability there to her. It’d been months since I’d done that. I had explained to myself that I would take the early morning Volvo bus to Delhi. I could have booked plane tickets but I needed those alone 11hrs in the bus to think over everything that has been going on with me lately.

‘OK. You can change your mind if you want.’

I thanked her and then we reached to the venue, where Mohit and his other groomsmen were dressing.
Mohit was zooming. His eyes were wide, his irises a thin blue ring.

‘Saaannnjjjj. Can you believe I’m getting married? I’m fucking getting married like, soon… now.’

I couldn’t believe it, I told him. I had never met his bride personally, I had only heard of her from him once or twice.

Mohit’s fingers shook as he tried to fasten cufflinks to his shirt sleeves. ‘Sanj, do you know how to do this?’

I laughed, taking the cufflinks from his hands. ‘I’ll try it.’
‘Thanks,’ he said, putting his hands on my shoulders and shaking them almost-gently ‘dude, I’m getting fucking married!’
‘Even I am a little surprised to see that the guy who used to sneak into anonymous wedding functions with me just to enjoy drinks and food is actually getting married.’ I giggled.

_________________________________

I was standing next to Mohit all night just before the final ceremony and marveled at the other guests, their excitement and buzzing. I felt a displaced kind of happy for the soon-to-be newlyweds, not the deep and hopeful happy everyone else felt, but a happy all the same. A tingle. The groomsmen I’d met in Mohit’s room earlier were running around the hall, all blues and boyish, my only sort-of friends. I had no one to sit with. The final rituals began and I observed it from my anonymous perch, whites and blues swirling together, unionizing. I sniveled a little for the people I didn’t know, because a wedding is a wedding and weddings are intimate, whether you belong there or not. I knew I didn’t belong — knew it soon as I saw the beaming mother of the bride, knew it once I saw the other guests and felt the wings of their fluttering expectations — and yet here we were. Here we all were.

_________________________________

I sat with the other groomsmen during the reception and we were good and drunk by that time. ‘What if I stayed?’ I thought, but then I remembered all the arguments I’d made in favor of going home that night, all the excuses I’d given Mohit and Trisha. I couldn’t retract then, even though I could’ve. I danced dances and drank drinks until it was time to call a cab.
‘It’s too bad you have to leave early,’ Mohit said.
We were on the dance floor.
‘Yeah…’ my voice said, trailing, ‘Maybe I should just go now.’

_________________________________

The sky was all negative space when I got into the taxi.
‘Tell Mohit bye and congratulations, I don’t want to intrude between the ceremonies,’ I told Trisha.
‘OK. Well, thanks for coming. Let’s meet sometime when you are in Delhi, I will keep reading your write-ups and look forward to your novel’ she smiled.
We both nodded at nothing. The cab pulled away with me in the back of it and we drove into the night, a yellow full moon following us down the road like we’d forgotten it.

There was no bus at the bus station. ‘They’re sending another bus,’ the conductor told us.

I was still thinking about the past 2 days. I sat on top of my backpack and put my hands on my face, waiting.
When the bus arrived, we boarded and a girl of my age sat across from me. She was wearing a hoodie and a beanie cap that was covering her hair which were trying to swirl out and her sleeves were up to her palms. She had green paint on her nails and she was definitely wearing some herbal perfume which was very attractive. She held an instrument by her side. I felt talkative now, the intimacy I had not belonged to earlier bleeding onto my face.

‘What’s in there?’ I asked.
She looked up from her fingernails. ‘This? It’s a violin.’

Her eyes were descriptive and green. And her lips were like a child. Very babylicious. She wasn’t wearing any make up or lip *whatever*.

 

'My dad plays guitar.’ I always say that. I don’t know why. In fact he is the only person who is not linked to music in our family. I play percussion and I sing. My mother sings very well and she plays Harmonium.
‘That’s cool,’ she said. It sounded like she meant it.
‘Yeah…’ I said ‘So… you’re coming from some concert this late or should I say early morning?’

‘Actually I play for my college group. I was visiting my folks here and now heading back to my college. My final year exams are about to start.’ She smiled.
‘Cool…’ I said. And then I went mum.

What was cool about exams after all? I needed another drink. I looked out of the window. It was black after black after black after black.
I thought of some maybes then, like maybe if I hadn’t been so stubborn I would be drinking and dancing still, or maybe the girl will reignite the conversation and we’ll have a meet cute or cute meet or however it’s called, or maybe the bus isn’t so bad, but maybe I’m just drunk, or maybe I could’ve sucked it up and spent the night, maybe it’s time to stop treating every person and every situation like I’m the one who has to leave first, just in case, just because.

The bus came to a full stop and opened its doors. The girl with the violin stood up and threw her violin case over her shoulder, waving good-bye with a cute smile. I watched her walk away, down the steps, into the night. The doors snapped closed behind him. We kept driving.