Love You – For Love, With Love

Love is oblivious, unpredictable, magical and terrifying. It happens at the moment when least expected and often leaves us when at the highest peak of celebrations. Love is instantaneous and insane like you walk into a store and see someone and you know – That's the one!

Then the question comes if that ‘Love’ is real or one of the versions of those exact replicas of love that happens to us few times before we actually find the Real Love of our life (unless like few really lucky ones whose first love ends up as the last one too). I can't say what a real love is and how can one find out. I think that if its real love: it'd be beautiful, startling, sensational and mysterious. You won't give up on it just coz once or twice something wrong or unplanned happened. You will fight for it till the last moment and the last thing you would want to do is to look back at your life and wonder 'what if'?

We meet innumerable people in our lifetime, most of whom we never see after the first promise. I’d say if you ever meet someone who stays in your memory with a shiny reflection and startling impression, never let that person go without him/her knowing about it. Life is short, so short to let one really awesome person go just because you are not familiar and wait for another awesome person for you. What if that one person you just let go was the last awesome person of your life? Are you willing to take that risk? If you want to risk anything, risk your heart. You won’t repent it. Risking our hearts is why we're alive.

This article is about a boy I know – Astro and his love for that beautiful, sensuous, amazing and cute girl – Muffins. When I found out about this love story, I just couldn’t resist writing about it. In fact, I asked my editor to use a part of it in the novel I am writing and she was so touched by the innocence in this story.

I found this letter by accident and realized that it was written about 3 months back but was never posted or sent. Realizing that Astro has never confronted Muffins for so long yet, I felt that this letter deserves to be shared with her and with that every guy or girl who is in love with one or other and are waiting for the right time to propose. The time you tell that you love someone is the best moment of your life. I hope Muffins is reading this article too.

Astro, when he saw Muffins for the first time; the first words that popped out of his mouth were, “And where have you been all my life yet?”

I read somewhere, ''We should always speak our heart out. If there is a slightest chance that something can be fixed, we gotta try. Don’t be scared of ruining it today because if you hadn't said it, it was ruined anyways.”
Love is beautiful, so beautiful that it is worth giving hurtful.

Except here maybe Astro went too far waiting to tell her. Maybe he got this feeling of inadequacy that she is so cool, smart and does not even know him that well, why would she believe him? This feeling always kept him at back step and he could never tell her how he feels about her. He always wondered that he is not the easiest person to know and sometimes he just acts weird and so stupid because he’s so hesitant and thinks that someone like Muffins could never like someone like Astro.

On the contrary, to me, Love is about fighting the odds. Telling the other that I'm not gonna go away no matter what you do. It’s about being together no matter what. If one is stubborn enough to play with fire, the other is stupid enough to come along. For me, the most amazing and wonderful love stories are the stories which involves two strangers. That unfamiliarity creates a tension, curiosity and anxiety that leads to challenge each other at first and then slowly turns into playing that game of eye contact and silent conversations and approvals to move further. Wow, just the idea of it makes me so excited.

This is Astro’s letter to Muffins (only the images are added afterwards).

‘Dear Muffins,

I woke up thinking of you this morning. I sat still in my bed, trying not to fully cross the barrier from “dreaming” to “awake.” I asked myself, “What is the word for missing someone, for knowing there is something missing from you because they are not there, when you have never had them to begin with? Does that word even exist?”

When I think of you I can’t help smiling, knowing that you've completed me somehow, even when we are not together and we do not meet everyday. I love you, not just for now, but for always.

I fell in love with you the moment I saw you, and then fell deeper in love with the time, knowing you are the best thing that has ever happened to me.

18 months back I was living into a fantasy that a girl like you can’t even exist but now when I know that there she is and she exists for real, I’m just so scared to screw it and this held me for so long to tell you that I am so crazy about you. I try at least 100 times a day and fail 101 times. I am willing to wait rather I lose my chance. You’re worth the wait.

We may not be alike and I am alright with this because different spices make the platter tastier. I am not the perfect guy and I do not want to be. Instead of being perfect, I want to be the right guy for you and I promise to do everything it takes.

I agree that my fear of holding me for so long to tell you that how much I like you does not depict very positive of me but trust me, saying I love you is the hardest thing I ever have to do, harder than spending everyday with you afterwards. Sometimes the hardest things in life; are the things most worth doing!

We stood together and worked in the kitchen, I don't think you'd remember but I do. I counted seconds, and then minutes until that moment lasted and my head was shaking inside telling me “You just had one of the best moments of your life”. That small argument over naming the pets and then you smiling while looking at Doodle; that smile is so mysteriously cute, it makes me smile too.

Its little things like this that I miss, the tiny bits that make up a whole imagined life, something we could have had, if we were two different people.

You have these deep, prying, knowing eyes, and sometimes I imagine that they are only this way with me, but I know that cannot be true. I’m sure that you look at me just like you look at everyone else — curious, smart, but ultimately bored. I can’t stand to keep looking at you for too long, to meet that gaze, because there always feels like too much expectation: “Say something smart.” “Be funny.”

I just never get enough of thinking about you. I've stopped hitting on random girls because it is no fun anymore unless there is someone to catch you. I like to know, talk or hear about anything that is related to you. I hate that I love you for everything I know about you. I have 100 reasons for why I like you so much and then I do not care for one single reason for why I am so crazy about you. I don’t need a reason to like you. In fact, more I try to not like you; it draws me towards to you even more. I can talk to you from day to night and tell you how amazing you are and still find it scarce.

It’s easy to hate yourself when you don’t have something you want, when you are looking for any fault to blame it on. I give reasons to myself for why we are not together yet. Primarily because I haven't even told you still that I am in love with you. With it, there are many more reasons I give to myself. Sometimes I blame weather and there was a time when I blamed the political parties as well (don't ask how)!

I know that it may or may not work between us, and that tension between ‘What’ and ‘If’, that's the cost of living. You are so bold, don’t you want to try and find it out? We may not make sense on paper! So what, we don't live our lives on paper. Relationships aren't math problems. You don't solve them by being practical.

They say “The heart wants what the heart wants.”

I really love you, Muffins. You may not see it, you may not be ready to but I do. You have to believe in me and my love for you. It's simple, like if you do not believe in even the possibility of magic, you'll never find it.

I think of laughing with you, mostly. I think of sitting with you at dinner, talking with you for hours and hours, falling asleep on the couch because we still have so much to say and don’t want to go to bed just yet. I think of all the things we could have done, the places we could have gone. I know you like rides and adventurous activities. I wonder if I would have loved them that much more because I was there with you.

Do you ever sit and think maybe I am waiting to hear from you?

I know that we barely know each other and every time you'll look at me, you'll see that look in my eyes that I love you and etc etc and I know that you've just moved in here and you're always on work but trust me, us being together does not mean need to mark a territory around each other.

I mean there is something here unless I'm crazy for which one thing I know that I'm not.
Remember, you said you don't want to lead someone on; even I don't like to be rolled on. But for the first time, I came across someone who made me feel that during the journey if I'll be tired, that person is capable of taking the charge.

I am not trying to make hoopla out of you and I know that maybe you’re not so great, when one gets to know you. Maybe you don’t live up to expectations, and there is no reason I should be afraid of talking to you. May be it is the wrong time and may be you're even the wrong girl but if you are, how long am I gonna wait to find out? I have to know anyways.  It’s always possible that the version of you I've built in my mind is nothing like the real you, and maybe that’s why I love you so much. It’s easy to miss someone when all we have is imagination, and all we have to confront is what we've created in our minds. There are no fights, no long silences, no nights where we don’t touch each other because we’re too tired or too angry.

But that's not it. I am done. I am not good at it. Good at hiding my love for you and acting like a jerk for so long. Because I know what I am good at! I am good at being with you, talking to you for hours, bring you chocolates at midnight and take a walk with you at 3 am down the street in that chilly night. I am good at always stand by your side and not judge you. I am good at taking care of your cat even when I am not very good at it. I am good at listening to you about your day at work and nodding even when I do not understand a bit of what you do. I want it all. I want it with you. I want to hear you yell and see you cry and feel you against me at least once, at least to say I've seen it. To say I know you go crazy when it comes to tacos or ‘Hey, c'mon I know you hated that movie’. And I know that I likely never will, and I miss it. I miss it as actually as if I’d had it, or a friend who moved away and never quite stayed in touch.

All I am asking for is time… with you… I don’t want to prove anything, I just want to be with you and let you find out for yourself. Till then don’t just decide on your own. I am persuasive, unpredictable, impulsive, and super lazy but that’s all for you to find out yet.

Give me this time. Help me out. I could be wrong about everything 1000 times but I cannot be wrong with my intuitions, trust me and I can bet that inside that impulsive yet cautious, stubborn and practical girl, your heart melts upon seeing a couple walking hands in hands and wants it for you too. Muffins, you are the most remarkable, maddening, challenging, frustrating person I have ever met. I also want to tell you how beautiful and magical you are and your goofy smile makes me crazy.

A year back, I wrote a song for you which I haven’t shared with you yet. I mean it's hardly a song but some lyrics. Learning to moonwalk was not a pie job for me either.  I know that writing a letter is not the best of the ways to propose someone or tell what your heart feels and believe me if you can; I am a lot better than this... a lot. It's just that maybe at this moment you have the upper hand and I am the one who is conventional. If you can understand me and accept me at this moment, I promise that this would be the hardest to deal with me for you.

Muffins, I know that none of this makes perfect sense but I feel this is how love works! It does not need to make sense to make sense. It just is the way it is. I can write a book or simply say – I love you and I am crazy about you. Being around you is the one thing I know I am sure about... dead sure.

I am here for you and there is nothing I know more than the fact that I want to be with you. I love you and I miss you... What else is there to say...

Just because we haven't figured it out yet doesn't mean we won't...

I'll hold you to that.

Until tomorrow...
Astro'